ANYONE BUT CHELSEA

The ever ludicrous Simon Hattenstone in the Guardian:

Birmingham 0 Chelsea 0. Bless you Brucey, I knew you had it in you.

Saturday 3pm: I'm listening to the radio by myself, embarrassed and confused. 3.26pm: Kevin Davies scores for Bolton. "Shit!" I shout, as if I've been stabbed.

Maya, my daughter, runs in. She's worried. "What's wrong?"

"Kevin Davies has scored for Bolton."

"Are they playing City?"

"No, United."

"Why's that shit? That's good isn't it?"

"No, it's complicated. I'll explain one day." What I mean is that I'll explain when I can get my head round it.

Seven minutes later, relief. Louis Saha equalises. "Yes," I say under my breath.

Ten minutes before the end, and I'm running round the kitchen in fist-pumping ecstasies. Ruud van Nistelrooy scores what turns out to be the winner. "Yes, yes, yes, oooh yes."

I'm becoming obsessed. My whole raison d'etre is geared towards Chelsea losing the Premiership. Sunday afternoon, City play Middlesbrough. I fall asleep listening to the commentary. Wake up, hear we've lost again. Who cares? Find myself singing "Oh Ruudi Ruudi, Ruudi Ruudi Ruudi van Nistelrooy."

Monday morning, the newspapers report that City are a disgrace and Psycho has told them so. Not bothered. More interestingly, Ladbrokes has reopened the book on United winning the title.

My football fantasy goes like this: Liverpool beat Chelsea in the Cup, Chelsea panic in the league, lose to Bolton, lose to United, lose the last game of the season at Newcastle to a John Terry own-goal after Didier Drogba, Damien Duff and Arjen Robben are sent off for fighting each other. Roman Abramovich sacks Mourinho, Chelsea fail to win a trophy under Guus Hiddink, Abramovich walks out to make Dynamo Moscow the richest club in the world, Chelsea are relegated, go bankrupt, I start hating United again. Oh, and City win their first trophy in 31 years.

Not much to ask, is it?