HMMM, HOW CAN WE GET BECKS IN TODAY'S PAPER?

From some crap paper or other:

Generous England skipper David Beckham has bought his feuding parents neighbouring luxury flats in the same apartment complex.

Millionaire Becks has splashed out £240,000 on the plush pads for mum Sandra and dad Ted. The couple are going through a divorce after 32 years together.

But they will still be neighbours when they move into their new two-bedroom homes at Loughton, Essex.

Becks' younger sister, Joanne, will shack up with Sandra while Ted plans to live alone.

The apartments, costing £120,000 each, are just a few miles from the old family home at Chingford.

A source close to Manchester United midfielder Becks told me:

"David is gutted his parents are splitting. But this makes it clear he's not taking sides in the divorce. Since he became such a huge star he has always promised to look after Ted and Sandra. Spending £240,000 doesn't make much of a dent in his fortune."

The couple's decision to live so close to each other will surprise some pals. But the source said:

"They are trying to remain amicable. By living as neighbours it means Joanne gets to see both parents."

And how about this for a tenuous connection. From some other crap paper:

A policewoman is under investigation for allegedly inventing a child abuse case so she could meet David and Victoria Beckham.

WPC Rhonda McGraa, it is claimed, asked the celebrity couple to see a young "victim", who she said was a big fan of theirs.

They agreed and starstruck McGraa is said to have borrowed a friend's 10-year-old daughter to take to a magazine photo-shoot for a chat with Posh and Becks.

The girl had never been abused, it is said, and was actually a fan of S Club 7.

Two months later, the Beckhams asked for an update on the "victim" and WPC McGraa fell under suspicion.

The officer, who worked for the child protection unit in Bletchley, Bucks, is now being investigated for misusing her position.

Allegations that she tried to meet other famous people and obtain tickets for events are also being checked. She is on sick leave.