IT'S GRIM DARN SARF

After years of simmering hostility, war has broken out between the North and South of England. Not that blood will be spilt. At stake are two things that are much more important than putting right an age of insults: money and the true claim to be the capital of England.

The North will this week launch a multi-pronged attack on the South, starting with an advertising campaign to persuade people that 'capital punishment' is not worth the hassle.

It seeks to build on the images of urban renewal transmitted from Manchester's Commonwealth Games in the summer; the popularity of TV shows such as Cold Feet; and the 'Museumchester' phenomenon that has seen a raft of world-class cultural centres spring up in Greater Manchester in recent months.
 

The campaign is initially aimed at Britain's captains of industry.
'Manchester is showing what you can do when a regional hub says "let's go for it",' said CBI leader Digby Jones.

From February, M&S will move its head office finance, payroll and personnel departments to a fashionable new building opposite the Lowry Centre in Salford Quays. 'We realised that these important HQ functions didn't have to be in London. Manchester has good quality people, links, costs and available property,' said a spokesperson.

Tony Wilson, the Mancunian TV presenter and music impresario said: 'London's a black hole that has dragged too much in to itself. Why does British industry carry on subsidising this ridiculous house price bubble in the South-east?'

Meanwhile, a group of Manchester United football fans are only half-jokingly campaigning for the creation of a 'People's Republic of Mancunia'.

For now, the North is happy to point out that the geography of British grime may be about to change for ever.