The record books will always show that Arsenal went through the 2003-04 league season undefeated, but the trouble with record books is that they never tell the real story. They will only hint at the fact that most of the opponents that Arsenal met were rubbish, that Manchester United were distracted by horse semen and missing urine samples, or that Chelsea conclusively proved it is possible to have more money than sense.
If league tables do not lie, they can be incredibly economical with the truth. As Arsène Wenger has agreed, the key moment of Arsenal's campaign and therefore the whole league season came in the last minute at Old Trafford in September with Ruud van Nistelrooy's missed penalty. There was a lot more than the width of a crossbar between Arsenal and the rest of the Premiership this season, but that was how close they came to being beaten.
It would be a good record book, too, that would convey the hilarious aftermath of that penalty miss, with Martin Keown providing the image of the season by dancing all over Van Nistelrooy. There had been a lot going on in that match, with the United striker contributing, shall we say, to the dismissal of Patrick Vieira, and the final few minutes were English football at its glorious, unpredictable best. Someone should force Sepp Blatter to watch it. A goalless draw provided the best entertainment on offer all season.
Without those few moments of mayhem Arsenal would hardly have figured in the extraordinary roll call of off-the-field issues that characterised the season. Yes they went unbeaten for 38 games, but how could they expect recognition for rising above an extremely ordinary Premiership when there was so much else going on?
In the very week their title was confirmed they were kept out of the headlines by Big Ron. This was the season when England threatened to go on strike because Rio Ferdinand failed to pee in a bottle. When Gordon Taylor of the PFA told the FA they would be mad to take on Manchester United.
Meanwhile, in Ireland a couple of horse traders decided to do just that, and won hands down. To be more precise, the Coolmore millionaires used United to attack Sir Alex Ferguson, forcing him to back down by turning a withering spotlight on the way the club was run. The moral high ground over the horse dispute quite possibly belonged to Ferguson, but he was unable to hold on to it once 99 embarrassing questions were asked of the plc. In that United published the agent's commission upfront in the later purchase of Louis Saha and were still sharply criticised for unnecessary wastage, the Rock Of Gibraltar saga may come to be seen as a high-water mark in Premiership decadence.
Then again, with Chelsea around, don't bank on it. Let's not go into the legality of Roman Abramovich's wealth here, or the morality of pouring it into such a frivolous cause, let's just reflect on the absurdity of Peter Kenyon briefing against Claudio Ranieri and courting Sven-Göran Eriksson all season, only to blow it at the last minute. Someone should have told Sven it was supposed to be a clandestine meeting. He might then have decided against turning up in his FA Mercedes. Yet even this sorry tale had a twist in it. When Wayne Bridge slotted home the winner in the Champions League quarter-final against Arsenal a nation cheered. Even though Arsenal could surely have gone all the way to European glory had they just kept up their unbeaten record against their local rivals. If Ranieri has to go, it would be well if he were to go quickly; then it would be OK to hate Chelsea again and we would all know where we stood.
Arsenal put Chelsea out of the FA Cup, but their quest for a Treble fell at the next hurdle when they faltered against Manchester United at Villa Park. Wenger's team selection was questionable, although the overriding memory of the day was the United supporters' confidence and vocal backing for their team. For wit, invention and style United fans have been in a class of their own all season, and although their personal barracking of Wenger was ugly, Villa Park was an affirmation of some benchmark values in English football. Without a prawn sandwich or a corporate jolly in sight, United fans palpably lifted their team, even though the only prize on offer was an FA Cup final against a Nationwide League club. At the other end, with a Treble to play for and the most attractive side in Europe to crow about, Arsenal fans remained too posh even to sing.
And what of the rest? Well, what of them? Aston Villa and Bolton had decent seasons, Fulham proved most pundits wrong by not coming even close to relegation. No one else outside the top three did anything worth mentioning. Next time, guys, try to push Arsenal a little harder, otherwise it takes the gloss off going through the season unbeaten.
Finally, a word for Leeds, who deserve a soap-opera award for enlivening not just this season but the past three with their rolling cast of over-remunerated directors, short-term managers, wayward players, bankrupt rescuers, blubbing supporters and the weird notion that the honest and likeable Alan Smith scores enough goals to be considered a natural replacement for Alan Shearer or Van Nistelrooy. Goodbye