OOH! THAT HURTS

Manchester United cannot win away from Old Trafford in the Premiership — not even at West Ham, the ONLY side in all four divisions yet to experience a home victory.

Oh yes, these are troubled times for Sir Alex Ferguson and Terry Venables — Sir Flummox and Hell Tel — and they can expect not one shred of sympathy.

Because they are gluttons for punishment, middle-aged volunteers who were only too eager to grab the rewards of their labours when they could have put their feet up and continued to earn from far less demanding employment.

Ferguson is different. He has won it all, including a European Cup that fell into United's lap when he and his team had got it all wrong prior to the final few seconds.

After the draw at Upton Park, which left his side nine points behind leaders Arsenal, Fergie actually claimed: "We have done well, played some excellent football — the teamwork was terrific."

Sure, he had to make changes to compensate for injuries to key players and, yes, Jermain Defoe was offside for West Ham's equaliser. But United have a single victory in the last five Premiership matches and have taken maximum points only once on their travels.

Even with everybody fit, there are deficiencies in Fergie's team. Particularly in defence, where Laurent Blanc continues to have problems with his passing. The passing years. And can anyone deny Juan Veron has been a disaster?

Ferguson, apparently, says he has built three United teams and may now have to build another. He didn't have to — he could have retired and left that to somebody else. But to take the money involves an obligation to accept the consequences.

The fans and his employers are now demanding of Fergie what he demands of his team — a repetition of the unparalleled success they achieved together. Sorry, but by offering his extended services he invited the expectations.