In an attempt to bring our readers an insight into what the following season has in stall, Red Issue caught up with the notorious Salford Clairvoyant Pisstake Peg, at the lauch of her new book ‘I Shagged Sven Goran Eriksson… And He Was Fucking Shite!’ which is a follow-up to her previous bestseller ‘I Shagged Brooklyn Beckham’). Her predictions were secured for half a bottle of vodka, after negotiations had initially stalled on her demands for outstanding payments for the previous 10 years’ worth, before Peg was left pole-dancing, naked, on traffic lights on Deansgate.

* Red Issue in no way endorses or encourages any belief in the paranormal.

August

• New Chelski boss Jose Mourinho tells the press ‘I am the best manager in the world. I am invincible. All I need is another £90 million quid and I will win the Premiership’, Roman Manamirich passes him a cheque, and Mourinho says ‘I will win the Premiership’.
• United parade new signing Alan Smith in their new shirt. But pictures appear to show him spitting on his new club badge, rather than kissing it. Further worries are raised by his celebrations on his debut in America. He carries on running around the pitch in ecstasy even after he is told he missed his penalty.
• Ryan “It’s Not My Fault” Giggs assures supporters United will bounce back next season. ‘We’re going to get better as a team’. But news breaks that Ronaldo will miss the start of the season due to the Olympics. Ryan ‘It’s Not My Fault’ Giggs assures supporters, ‘A top three finish is still a big achievement’.
• Patrick Vieira tells Arsewipe he wants to stay, after Real Madrid refuse to pay the asking price.
• Thierry Henry assures Arsewipe he’ll shake off his ‘big-time bottler’ reputation this season, and score a goal in an important game.
• Michael Owen confirms he only agreed to sign for Real Madrid after they promise not to sell him to Man City in two years’ time.
• Leeds re-sign 49-year-old veteran striker Brian Deane. He tells reporters, ‘I’m glad to be back at the… hang on a sec… (puff)… (pant)… club’.
• Mikael Silvestre assures Fergie he will concentrate more this season. Fergie tells him he’s forgotten to put his trousers on.

September

• Chelski boss Jose Mourinho tells the press he is scared of no one. He will fight anyone. He is the hardest man in the world.
• Scouse-reject City finally explain why there are three stars above their badge. It’s not (as everyone thought) a star for each decade they’ve gone without winning a trophy. Manager Kevin Keegan explains, ‘It’s for Bell, Summerbee and Lee… the only three stars that have ever played for this club!’
• Token figurehead president Martin Edwards announces United are to extend Old Trafford by 7,500 seats. Supporters successfully campaign to have the plans amended. The women’s toilets will no longer have glass walls.
• Following a favourable scouting report on Ulan Bator’s strike partnership Jeremy Trolli-Dash and Paulo Tremblepipe, Fergie signs them up for £13.5m, £8.9m of which is to paid in agent’s fees to a Swiss cheese making factory. Introducing them as ‘the future of the club’ Fergie admits he’s never seen the pair play but that his brother Martin had ‘heard they were quite good’.
• Jason Ferguson declares his intention to make his own way in the world after the plc refuse to deal any further with his Elite agency. Elite Construction is awarded the contract for building the corner stands at Old Trafford.
• Alan Smith tells the press he is looking forward to playing alongside Ruud Van Nistelrooy and Louis Saha. Laughing supporters ask Fergie ‘You’ve not told him about the 4-5-1 yet, have you?’
• Robbie Fowler is rushed to hospital, suffering from first degree burns, after a disgruntled fan runs onto the pitch and throws salt over him.
• The Fire Brigade are called to release Mikael Silvestre’s hand from a soft-drinks vending machine. He tells them he was trying to post a letter.
• Leeds re-sign veteran striker, Lee Chapman. He tells reporters ‘I always wanted to come back, but it wasn’t safe to bring old Trout-Lips back until Cantona emigrated’.

October

• Chelski boss Jose Mourinho causes a near tragedy at Anfield by waving wads of money in the air in front of the Kop, shouting ‘Look at my wad!!! I got Loadsamoney! Loadsamoney!!!’ The front row of disabled supporters are injured in the stampede. The Merseyside Damage-Limitation P.R. Group Ltd (formerly known as ‘It Was Chelsea Fans Ltd’) blame the Police, and campaign for a return to all standing terracing. Everyone stops buying the Sun, and Gerry Marsden re-releases ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’.
• United are rocked by a further delay in the return of Ronaldo. He is selected to represent Portugal in the Eurovision Song Contest. UEFA laugh off United’s appeals: ‘What’s the big fuss? We’ve let them keep Ryan Giggs’.
• The loss of Ronaldo is offset somewhat by the excitement surrounding the signings of Jeremy Trolli-Dash and Paulo Tremblepipe. Their arrival at Carrington is met with bewilderment when it turns out the only previous striking experience they’ve had is as shop stewards for the Mongolian Goat Herders Union. The plc agree a settlement of their £75k per week, 6 year contracts.
• Alan Smith has yet to score for his new club. He complains that none of his new team-mates will pass to him. Roy Keane explodes, and tells the tabloids ‘He’s talking fecking big bollocks. We’ve not fecking passed to any striker since we sold David Beckham!’
• Scouse-reject City change their badge again, changing the ‘budgie’ motif to a ‘Liver Bird’. Keegan tells the press, ‘It’s to make all our Scouse-rejects feel at home’.
• Ryan ‘It’s Not My Fault’ Giggs is mystified by United’s pathetic form. He tells the press, ‘I really think we’ve got to get better as a team.’

November

• Chelski boss Jose Mourinho challenges Everton manager David Moyes to an arm wrestling match in the centre-circle at Goodison Park. After winning the arm-wrestle, Mourinho puts Moyes in a headlock, and drags him along the pitch before pinning him up against a goalpost, and forcing a wad of notes into his mouth, shouting ‘Who’s the Daddy? Who’s the Daddy?’
• The News of the World reveals that token figurehead president Fartin Martin has invested his entire fortune in a pay-per-view website: www.peecamlive.com.
• Arsenal players beat a Spurs player to death at the end of a local derby. The FA promise swift action, and ban Rio Ferdinand for ten months.
• After scoring the fewest goals in the Premiership all season, Alex Ferguson secures a promise of £30m to buy a new striker. ‘He’ll be playing alongside some of the best strikers in the world… for the last ten minutes of every game, as we try to retrieve a two goal deficit’.
• Meanwhile, in a bid to expand the club’s global brand Fergie announces the signing of Osaka All Stars’ out-of-contract playmaker Suki Bapswent, after a favourable report from his brother Martin. Following recent unsuccessful signings the plc place financial restrictions on the deal meaning the signing-on fee is limited to only £5.8m, £4.3m of which is payable in agents’ fees to a Monte Carlo-based used car dealership. Bapswent will join United next season.
• Ryan ‘It’s Not My Fault’ Giggs tries to explain the lack of form, ‘We’ve got to get better as a team’.
• Leeds re-sign veteran striker Allan Clarke. He tells reporters, ‘Bugger Off! You bloody kids… Bugger Off! I’m trying to get some… zzzzzzzzzzzz’
• In the Champions League, Mikael Silvestre acrobatically clears the ball off the goal line with a spectacular scissor-kick. He is congratulated by the puzzled goalkeeper, Fabien Barthez, who says ‘You do remember we’re not team-mates any more, don’t you?’

December

• Chelski boss Jose Mourinho causes a storm by refusing to shake Bobby Robson’s hand at St. James’ Park. Instead he gets his penis out and says ‘Look at that for a dick! I’ve got a bigger dick than you’.
• United are rocked by a further delay in the return of Ronaldo. He is selected to represent Portugal on It’s A Knockout. UEFA laugh off United’s appeals, ‘If they don’t stop whinging, we’ll extend Rio Ferdinand’s world-wide ban’.
• United allow Michael Silvestre two weeks off over Christmas to visit his family on Easter Island.
• Leeds re-sign veteran whinge bag Johnny Giles. He tells the press ‘Busby was crap. Only an idiot would kick me out of the club. Bastard!’
• Despite it not being due to commence until next season the plc agrees to a £3.5m settlement of Suki Bapswent’s contract after it turns out he is 38 years old. Fergie admitted his brother Martin had shown him a tape of some of Suki’s goals but had failed to notice the ‘Season 85/86’ sticker across it.
• Scouse-reject City’s Christmas Party is a roaring success. The players excitedly unwrap their official club presents to find… an empty toilet roll. Keegan explains they’re ‘Doo-Doos’, and the players should put them to their mouths and run around singing ‘Doo, doo, doo, doo…’ Manager Kevin Keegan tells the press, ‘I knew it would make all our Scouse-rejects feel at home.’

January

• Chelski boss Jose Mourinho causes a storm after beating Spurs, by mooning at the opposition supporters. He tells the press, ‘They can kiss my arse. I am the greatest manager in the history of the world’.
• Ryan ‘It’s Not My Fault’ Giggs amazes supporters with a frank but accurate assessment of the season so far, ‘We’ve got to get better as a team’.
• Newcastle are knocked out of the 3^rd round of the FA Cup, ending Alan Shearer’s hopes of ever winning a trophy with Newcastle. He denies he made a mistake in joining Newcastle, but adds ‘I blame it all on that bastard Keegan!’
• Following a favourable scouting report from Martin Ferguson, United take advantage of the transfer window to sign Atletico Quito’s player of the year Dante Vervelash for £8.1m, £7.2m of which is payable in agents’ fees to a Liechtenstein monastery. Sir Alex dismisses the fact that no one has ever heard of him, saying ‘we were handicapped by the fact that all the good players were ineligible for Europe’.
• Scouse-Reject City submit a planning application to have their Tripe Colony Council House Stadium boarded up. Manager Kevin Keegan says, ‘It will bring out the best in all our Scouse-rejects if we can make them feel at home’.

February

• Chelski boss Jose Mourinho causes a storm in a game against Man City, by climbing above the opposition dugout and pissing on Manager Kevin Keegan and his backroom staff. Keegan tries to play down the incident, ‘It’s nothing new, Fergie’s been doing that on me for years. Eh?… Geddit?… Use Brut 66… Shanks used to say…’
• Alan Smith complains that all his team-mates are wank. He tells the press ‘I’m the only one who takes any pride in my badge, and I’ve always hated the fucking thing!’
• Ryan ‘It’s Not My Fault’ Giggs agrees that everyone else is wank. ‘We’ve got to get better as a team’ he tells the press.
• United’s insurance company refuse to pay out after new signing Dante Vervelash’s right leg falls off in training. The plc agree to a £1.5m settlement of his contract after it turns out Dante was recovering from an accident with a landmine at the time of his signing. Martin Ferguson refutes any suggestion he is to blame. ‘How was I supposed to know? There was no mention of his limp in Ecuador Today’s reports of his performances’.
• Token figure-head president Fartin Martin launches a new range of Executive Boxes at £100,000 per season. They have a panoramic view of the pitch to the front, and a panoramic view of the women’s toilets to the rear.
• Mikael Silvestre attends the Birmingham Motor Show, but spends three hours walking around the car-park.
• Kleberson declares himself fit to play a game.

March

• Kleberson is sent home to Brazil to recuperate after a vasectomy, to stop him getting any more 16 year old girls pregnant. He is expected to be fit again in time for the Champions League Final, should United reach it.

• Chelski boss Jose Mourinho causes a storm after Chelski are knocked out of the Champions League by dropping the referee with a headbutt, pulling his dick out and wanking over his head. The unfancied victors Shamrock Rovers tell the press ‘We’ve just beaten a team that cost £100 million quid!.. and ours cost a total of two pints of Guinness and a Kylie Minogue cd… Can anyone give us a lift home?’
• Leeds resign veteran goalkeeper Gary Sprake. The signing takes four hours to complete, as Sprake keeps dropping the pen.
• United are rocked by a further delay in the return of Ronaldo. He is selected to represent Portugal in an international version of David Frost’s ‘Behind The Keyhole’. UEFA laugh off United’s appeals, ‘We all want to know who lives in a house like this? Ha ha ha!!!’
• United decide to plan ahead for next season and secure their targets ahead of competition from The Dog And Duck. Following favourable scouting reports from Martin Ferguson, Trevor Launchtip, Benny Buckridge and Instrument Jackson each agreed 9 year deals after being released from various teams in the Copenhagen Regional Thursday Night 5-a-side League, Division Four. Agents’ fees accounted for 100% of the joint £12.4m signing-on fee and were payable to a scuba diving company in the Cayman Islands.
• It is announced that it is now mathematically impossible for United to qualify for Europe. Ryan ‘It’s Not My Fault’ Giggs tells the press, ‘I told you we had to get better as a team’.

April

• Chelski boss Jose Mourinho celebrates an FA Cup Semi-final victory by telling the press ‘We’re going to win the Treble!’ After he is reminded that they’ve already been knocked out of the Champions League, he replies ‘Everything has its price’.
• Mikael Silvestre apologises for his erratic form, and insists from now on he will concentrate at all times. He is asked, ‘Whah arr yoo on abah, you sirry man? This is Chinese Take-array!’
• Areswipe are knocked out the Champions League after top-scorer and top-bottler Thierry Henry misses a record thirteen penalties in the second half. The referee apologises to Arsene Wenger after the game. He’d have awarded them more penalties, but he ran out of puff.
• Ronaldo returns to the club and delivers a cross to the centre forward, who watches is bounce past him. He shouts to Ronaldo ‘Sorry, I’ve forgot what I’m meant to do with it.’
• Token figure-head president Fartin Martin releases a compilation video ‘The World’s Funniest Hidden-Cam Pee-Pot Videos’.
• The plc agrees to the sale of Benny Buckridge for £50 before he’s even played a game for the club. David Gill claims that the offer from McGee’s Irish Bar 5-a-side team was ‘too good to turn down and represents a good profit on what was essentially a free signing’. As he didn’t request the move Buckridge’s is entitled to pay-off of £1.6m. No agents’ fees were payable.
• Ryan ‘It’s Not My Fault’ Giggs announces plans for another testimonial in two years’ time. ‘I’ve tried to time it so it coincides with me emerging from my ‘child-prodigy’ status, into a true star of the world stage’.

May

• Chelski release their Cup Final song, a catchy ditty entitled ‘Jose Mourinho has got the biggest dick in the Premiership’. It stays at number one for seven months, thanks to a million internet sales per week, delivered to an address in Moscow.
• Alan Smith wins United’s Player Of The Year award. It appears on Ebay later that day.
• Alan Shearer retires from football and auctions his medal collection at Christie’s. The auction is pulled by officials, who rule that one medal cannot possibly constitute a collection.
• Ryan ‘It’s Not My Fault’ Giggs assures supporters his best years are still to come… ‘as soon as we get better as a team’.
• Scouse-reject City announce plans to ground share with Liverpool and Everton next season. Manager Kevin Keegan tells reporters, ‘It’s so all our players and supporters will feel at home,’
• All of Leeds United’s geriatrics collectively walk out of the club in disgust. They tell the press, ‘We only joined on the strict understanding that we’d be sold to Man United at the end of the season.’
• Arsenal fail to retain the Premiership, but Arsene Wenger declares them Champions anyway. ‘Oui only lost because of a technicality. Ze FA banned too many United players, and forgot to ban any Chelski players !’
• The Fire Brigade are called to rescue Michel Silvestre from his chimney. They are amazed to find him dressed as Santa Claus.